I have not written an update recently because, to be honest, I have been feeling downhearted. Although our faith grows stronger every day, we are physically and emotionally drained. (Definition of drained: depleted, burdened, deprived of strength and vitality) Ok, yikes, maybe it isn't quite that bad! But chemotherapy has once again taken it's toll on Araella who describes feeling like it takes enormous energy just to keep all of her organs working.
During this visit we heard different things from different doctors and left feeling a little confused and frustrated. As a result, we have decisions to make. I know the village is wondering, however I don't know what to tell you because Araella and I haven't talked much about it… Without having to say so to each other, we are waiting on having peace before proceeding with plans - as we have been doing. If you feel led to pray with us for that peace, we are believing that He will direct our path (Psalm 3:5-6) Oh, I do have an answer to prayer story to share with you! Before we left I mentioned Psalm 91:11 and for those of you who prayed that with us - WOW!!!
We turned the lights out shortly after 9:00 pm on Monday night. I am never quite sure how Araella feels on the evening before chemotherapy. I am always a little anxious. We listened to a few encouraging songs and prayed a short prayer out loud together. Now it was time to wait. Wait for sleep. Wait for morning. If sleep didn't come for me, I would wait for Araella's breathing to indicate that she was sleeping so that I could quietly work on a blog or read. She seemed to be drifting off peacefully... It was completely dark in the room except for the light shining in between the separated curtains.
I am not sure how much time had passed when Araella interrupted the silence with, "Mom, what are you doing?"
"Just laying here Araella, are you ok?" Silence. Ok, I thought, she is alright.
A few more minutes passed and then, "Seriously Mom, what are you doing??"
"Araella, I am just laying here, do you need something?"
"Why are you standing there again?"
"I'm in bed Rae, what do you see?"
"You're just standing there."
"Where?"
"Between our beds."
My eyes looked upward to where Araella had indicated, and I sensed that there was indeed someone there. An angel! I didn't think to talk directly to the angel (this I regret very much). Instead, I whispered excitedly to Araella, who had fallen back to sleep, "Araella, I think you see an angel!"
Silence. I questioned if the air in the space between our beds was moving. I strained my eyes to see what she saw - but I could only see what I would describe as a colorless aurora borealis.
"Araella, what does he look like?" More silence. "A warrior or a shepherd?"
"A shepherd," I thought I heard her answer in her sleep. But then I decided to just relish in the refuge. To just breathe in the beautiful unexpected gift of being embraced by peace. Too quickly, I also drifted off to sleep under the guard of His angel, whom He had commanded to watch over us.
Ok, my ability to type has recently been restored and I have so many thoughts to share. So, here is a patchwork post…
Araella and I travel to CTCA again today for chemotherapy round 4 of 6 if blood work determines that she is healthy enough to handle it. It took Araella two weeks to recover from round 3. If you saw Araella or I this past week, you probably thought that she looked as healthy and as beautiful as ever. She has mastered gently caring for her hair, covering the circles under her eyes and putting color on her cheeks and lips with all-natural products from LUSH. (On the inside Araella's blood is telling a different story.) I, on the other hand, have not mastered the art of appearing put together with two broken wrists... Casts have limited my wardrobe choices and my ability to shower easily. I regret that they also limited my patience a few days (sorry if you witnessed that!) Our poor neighbors have seen me sporting some pretty eclectic outfits when I take Sukee out - haha - Guess I needed a reminder that outward appearances are not that important. In 4th grade, Araella wrote out a bible verse and hung it on the bathroom mirror - it is still there, reminding us daily that God values beauty in relation to the inner character of our heart and the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit. Gosh, I love His Word.
On Monday Araella will have blood drawn, as well as a follow up CT scan and ultrasound. We will meet with multiple doctors on her team to discuss the changes in her body and possibly changes in the treatment plan. That word… plan. It haunts me sometimes. It is such an exhausting word. Planning takes so much time, so much thought, so much energy. I need to be vigilant because I don't want to invest more into planning than I do praying and trusting and hoping. Once again, the music of Tenth Avenue North speaks to me in this song about CONTROL. It is freeing to know that God doesn't need me to plan this all out. He's got it.
While we are away, I will be focusing on Psalm 91. Verse 11 promises that He will send angels to guard us while we are there. Angels are with us. When Araella was two, and we were in church singing, she pointed to the ceiling and whispered, "Angels Mommy." On a few occasions she told me about the angels that she saw and I looked for them. I still look for them. Wouldn't it be amazing to see one!? I used to pray that God would send an angel to me with a message. Hmm, now that I think about it, Araella's name means "angel" in Hebrew ;]
Ok, I need to pack! More later =]
