Lost in an Ocean

Araella emailed me late last night and asked me to share her thoughts:

Tonight was my second night attending Waynesburg's contemporary church service called The Upper Room. They played a song called 'Sometimes' by David Crowder. I was surprised I never heard the song before and I have been playing it on repeat since I got back to my dorm. Being here for 2 weeks now, waking up in a dorm every morning, going to classes, hanging out with the people I am with, and now this song have put many deep thoughts on my mind. God is really pushing me to share these thoughts even though I don't really want to…  But I mean since its God… here I am typing away when my original plan for the night was to make flash cards for anatomy lecture 4. 

Every morning I feel so lucky when I open my eyes and see these cinder block walls haha... My Granny got me a devotion that I purposely placed right beside my medicine. I actually have a shelf dedicated to my Bible, my prayer journal, my devotional and my medicine... because God is really all the medicine I need. I read the devotion before I even brush my teeth, and if you know me, you know I like to feel at least a little put together before I do anything. It never fails to speak truth and relate to the day ahead of me. I am falling in love with God and it’s an indescribable feeling.

Next thought was, why am I not as stressed as I feel like I should be. Well, to hear everyone complain about being in class, or having to learn the little crevices and bumps on a bone at first was relatable, and then one night it broke my heart. I cried to my roommate Nicole for a while about it. I didn't really know what was wrong until it just hit me that I am so lucky to be here. I have looked forward to being in the position I am in not only for the past couple of months, but ever since I was a little kid. Honestly, for a little while I wasn't sure if it was in the plan for me to go to college. Cancer taught me to lean on God fully, and leaning on God fully taught me to take, not even one day at a time, but to take and LOVE and use every minute and to not wish yourself anywhere else but that minute. It was like someone splashed cold water in my face and now I can't complain at all for being here and having the privilege of learning what I am learning. God kinda was like, "Girl I created those bones and those holes and those bumps and indents - be appreciative!" My psych professor said something the other day that has also stuck in my mind, she said that no one (other than God) knows you completely. No one will ever know exactly what your day was like no matter how in depth you describe it because no one was there other than you. And I thought how cool is that... that you are the only one who can appreciate the exact moment you are in. My English professor is teaching us that in order to write better we need to see better... and at first I was like, ew weird. But through reading a REALLY descriptive essay about an orange and some other short essays I have noticed myself looking at everything in more depth. And even though I am trying my best to describe my thoughts, I am still the only one (other than God) who knows exactly what this feels like.. I wish everyone could feel how I feel. I feel so lucky and I love how God transformed my eyes to see literally everything and love the minute I am in.

This Friday I went to Winter Jam with my friends Gabbi, Brooke and Nicole. It was amazing to be crazy, worship and love Jesus with other people right beside me. Someone even spilled salsa down the front of the shirt (thanks Nicole) I was wearing and I was like...well that’s unfortunate but hey not gonna let it ruin the night! It created a super weird bonding moment between Brooke and I in the bathroom actually haha. But anyway, most of the night was just pure fun and worship until Tenth Avenue North played, "I Have This Hope" ... you know how when you want to water your garden and so you crank the hose and water shoots out really suddenly without much warning?... Well yeah, it was a similar experience. Songs really speak to me and bring back emotions I haven't felt for a while or thought I haven't been able to express (I mean these words were all inspired by a song I heard tonight, which I’ll get to in a little) Gabbi reached over and had her arm around me the whole song which, was like a hug from God. I feel so blessed to have these girls in my life and I have only known 2 of them for a little over a week. (I Have This Hope is a song mentioned in previous blogs… Araella and I played it constantly to help deter fear over the past few months.)

Now onto the song from tonight, read these lyrics and really think about it:

"It’s Your love that we adore, it’s like a sea without a shore, were lost in You."

"Just set your sail and risk the ocean"

UM WOW. So ... "It’s like a sea without a shore, we’re lost in You."  I don't know about you, but the image of being lost in an ocean is beautiful, scary, lovely, terrifying, amazing… all the adjectives I can think of. It would be so peaceful but there would be short little moments of, OMG WHERE AM I WHEN AM I GOING TO GET BACK TO LAND…. oh wow look at that sunset…. AHH WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN…. ooo look a dolphin…. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH…. wow the sea goes on forever it’s like a blank slate…. I’M LOST…. oh right, I’m okay, Gods got this. "Just set your sail and risk the ocean"... I picture a cute little person calmly packing their things on a neat little boat and pushing off the land not making too much of a ruckus, maybe stirring the water a bit and sailing off into the sunset. Yeah in reality though... if you knew that you'd be lost in an ocean it wouldn't be like that would it... I mean I kinda got catapulted onto my boat without my belongings, making a tidal wave that knocked out half the population, sailing into shark infested water and maybe a rip tide in there somewhere... but it’s the best thing that happened to me because otherwise I never would have set sail… These few words from this song might be the most powerful, meaningful, breathtaking thing I have heard in awhile. Being lost in God’s ocean is exactly where I am, and I could not be more at peace with my life.

God told me to put the note cards down and write... I did not know what was going to come of this, but here it is!

I'm so glad you put down your note cards and decided to risk the ocean tonight Araella <3

Miraculous Madness

Araella texted me late on the evening of January 15th:

"God is asking me to do hard things… I will call you tomorrow."

I have learned patience over the past 5 months.  At one point I told Rae that I would not push her with questions anymore because I trusted the communication that was happening between Rae and God. I trusted it more than any thing else actually. Oh, it wasn't easy at first… to give up that control… but soon I realized that surrender brought more peace and confidence than anything I could have mustered up as a human depending on other humans…  And so, once again, I closed my eyes not knowing what God was asking her to do next.  

On Monday morning after her classes, she called:

Why is it harder to listen to God about something small like lacrosse than it was to listen to him about cancer? 

I'm supposed to study and become a nurse.  I'm supposed to play my violin in The Upper Room... I am not supposed to play lacrosse - even though I want to.  Even though it is everything I wanted… I am sorry that I made you send my lacrosse stuff."

Through happy tears, "That's ok Rae.  That's ok." 

"The Upper Room was awesome. Look up 'Here Now' by Hillsong."

And just like that she was off to study…  Leaving me with a song and with lyrics and more miraculous madness <3

It makes no sense but this is grace

And I know you're with me in this place

Faith makes a fool

of what makes sense

Madness

Still my heart

Let Your voice be all I hear now

Spirit breath 

Let the wind come, have Your way

  

Thy Will Be Done

As of Monday, Araella is officially a Waynesburg University student and she is taking delight in each moment.  Before updating you more on Araella, many of you have asked how I am doing… and I can honestly say that I have been building a treasury of only positive emotions all week because Araella is blessing me with glimpses of her all consuming joy. I guess it would be typical to feel emptiness or loneliness, but I can't fathom giving those emotions permission to play in the current movement of Araella's life song. Her joy is literally bubbling over and making it impossible to do anything but smile when I think of her =]

On August 16, the day before Araella was supposed to move in to her college dorm, this unexpected journey began. And so it seems fitting that it ended the day before she actually moved in on January 8. Wow, was that really a little less than five months?! It is incredible really… everything that happened in 145 days… You might be wondering why I say that the journey ended the day before Araella moved to college. Well, I say that because on that day, she shared her story at SEARCH. And that testimony seemed to wrap it all up. The written version of her talk is 11 pages long, honest and filled with beautiful and painful moments.  I hope she someday writes a book and shares it all with everyone.  But for now, she has permitted me to share the ending with you:

"God has healed me and I am simply doing what He asks of me.  I wake up every day knowing that the plan for me could be drastically changed in an instant or that God will ask me to go and do something else, but no matter how simple or how crazy it is, I will follow.  Prayer is direct communication with the one who works miracles, and I will be leaving this retreat early on Sunday so that on January 9, when classes begin at Waynesburg University, I will be there.

I leave you with the most valuable lesson I have ever learned - that came out of all of this.  Pray… no matter if it is as big as cancer or as little as asking for the perfect end to your Search talk.  God has it under control. He is holding you in His mighty hands. No matter what comes your way, He has a plan for your life that is bigger and better than anything you could ever think of or plan for yourself.  I challenge you that next time you pray, instead of asking God for your plan to work out, pray that He shows you the way and reveals His plan.  Tell Him you are willing to be His hands and His feet to do His works. Give your life to Him and let Him use it for His good and His will.  God's got you. Where humans cannot physically be, He is there, and you are never alone. He is your best friend."

During her talk, Araella also shared a song. The song, Thy Will Be Done, helped Araella to feel peace when fear threatened. The lyrics really do tell her story and the four words in the title are the simple prayer that she repeats over and over again each day. His plans are for her. Goodness He has in store!

Araella experienced the presence of God in some dark and scary places. She was in a lion's den and she was in a fiery furnace - but God sent his angel to protect her from harm. When she was walking through the valley of the shadow of death He was with her, His Word and His Spirit comforted her. A very wise man once said, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him, and he will direct your paths."Proverbs 3:5-6  That is how Araella navigated the path and conducted this part of her life symphony. If it is ever composed, I imagine it will be titled, "Thy Will Be Done." 

It won't be titled, "Fighting Cancer," or "Rae Strong" because it isn't all about cancer or Araella. It is about a good God who wanted to be closer to His child. It is about a good God who planned on revealing more of Himself to all of us during the battle. We are fortunate to be the prayer warriors that witnessed Araella slaying a giant!

Notice the blender in the lower left hand corner of the picture. Araella is continuing with her organic, raw, whole food diet and toxic free living as best she can at school. Essential oils, supplements, water, sunshine, sleep, exercise, faith, prayer, forgiveness, laughter, thankfulness, and giving to others are all part of her personal healing regimen. You have to appreciate all of that beautiful hair in the pony tail!!! And the turtle? For many years Araella has collected turtles. The turtle symbolizes emotional strength, ancient wisdom, determination and peace even in the midst of chaos.

Araella and her roommate Nicole.  (Not pictured: Brooke, Evelyn, Gabbi, and so many others at WU who have made Rae smile this week.)

Timeline/Update:
June 2016 - Araella noticed a lump and talked to a few friends about it.
July 2016 - Araella told me about the mass because it was growing. Appointment scheduled.
Aug. 5 - Araella's doctor ordered an ultra sound to get more information
Aug.9 - Ultrasound. After review of the images a biopsy was ordered to get more information.
Aug. 12 - Biopsy of mass
Aug. 16 - Biopsy Results and diagnosis of a 9x4 cm mass as Her2+ breast cancer. 
Aug. 16 - Araella made immediate changes to her diet, stopped taking all synthetic medication, detoxed…
Aug. 16 - Araella, Mom and I pray for healing Matt.18:19 Araella whispered, "Thy will be done" at the end.
Aug. 17 - CT Scan
Aug. 18 - BONE Scan
Aug. 19 - MRI, Biopsy of lymph nodes 
Aug. 23 - Meet with doctors at Lancaster General
Aug. 24 - Second Opinion at John Hopkins
Aug. 30 - Travel to CTCA in Chicago, PET scan, blood work, cardio assessment...
Sept. 4 - 1st chemotherapy infusion with Dignicap at CTCA 
Sept. 4 - Araella and I begin to really feel the prayers of the village James 5:14-15
Sept. 6 - Araella reports that the mass seems to be half the size!
Sept. 16 - Araella reports the 9x4 cm mass is COMPLETELY GONE and everything seems normal!
Sept. 27 - 2nd chemotherapy infusion, vitamin infusion, and supplements based on blood work at CTCA
Oct. 18 - 3rd chemotherapy infusion, vitamin infusion, and supplements based on blood work at CTCA
Nov. 8 - 4th chemotherapy infusion, vitamin infusion, and supplements based on blood work at CTCA
Dec. 6 - vitamin infusion, supplements based on blood work at CTCA
Jan. 5 - vitamin infusion, supplements continued (Araella is still experiencing side effects from chemotherapy)
Jan. 7 - SEARCH retreat testimony on prayer
Jan. 8 - Move in to Waynesburg University
Feb. Spring Break - vitamin infusion, follow-up Scan(s), supplements based on blood work… Thy Will Be Done.